Blurbs "Mortis Rigor"...I feel so Dead!

"Dream as if you're gonna live forever.... Live as if you're gonna die today!" ~James Dean

 

One of those days...

Drab colored ceilings, plain confining floors. All I can hearis the fans whining. *sigh* Days off are a pain in the arse especially when you have nothing productive to do. So I end up wasting my time pondering on my own miserable existence.

I'm confused really, that I would want to beat my head badly. I can't even make sense of whatever I am thinking. To heack with it, I can't even conjure up a sensible literary piece like I used to.

What I did was to spend the afternoon feeling lonelier than I ought to. Hugging my pillow with all my might and whispering sweet nothings to it as if it would comfort me back. Probably, I am approaching that stage wherein mid-life crisis should pitch in, but isn't it too soon? I'm getting drowned in my pool of thoughts, prevalent oppression won't do me good. I've got so much Love to give, but noone to give it to. I claim to be inlove... but was it suppose to feel this empty or am I loving invain?

Posted by: MarQuiseRowena at 18:37 | link | comments (2) |

A Girlish Mistake II (The remnants of Galera)

 

They were all fast approaching lala land. Eyes shut, dreams afloat... while I tossed and turned till I couldn't bear the distraction of silence. "How naive can you be?", I hammered that question to my now heavily-bothered head. Much to my dismay, no answer arose from that attempt. Pity me. After the intoxication of beers and the headiness of just being locked-lip with someone I like, I guess I can no longer take the pressure. I'm now bombarded with splitting heaches, restless imaginations of forever and the hurt of being used. I don't know if it was the alcohol speaking or it was me trying to be stupid. It was just a kiss, it was just for that night, it was for that stupid mistake that I am now being penalized. I feel so empty everytime I look at him. He couldn't recall anything, but I remember everything. How it felt, how he looked, how I loved it and how extreme regret broke me down the day after. I was stirring not knowing how to rid myself of the thought of how his lips complimented mine... how hungry my heart was for that desire. And now, due to that impulsive moment, I cannot think straight... wait let me rephrase that... I cannot think, period. All I can think about is that. Bam! It was gone just that. Sad, isn't it? The circumstances wherein romance can be presented simply blew my mind. You can be too drunk to move a minute ago but then right after that, you can feel your lips searching someone else's. We were on arms-lock the night before and now, I have already drained out my eyes crying for all the good things I felt. I felt for that moment, that I was loved. Even for a split-second that there was someone out there in the universe that was meant for me, and on that chance... it came to be him. Eventhough I knew for a fact that on the other side of the bed was the girl he was swooning for, the apple of his eye and I... it's worm. The sweetest sin the night before had already passed. I have already vented out frustration to my friend, confessed everything over a box of oreo cookies and an unending supply of fresh cow's milk, and yet it did me no good. Chocolates didn't seem to work this time. And now, reality jarred my dreamworld to bits and we being professionals driven by the corporate world, had to be civil once again. No trace whatsoever of what had happened or if it did happen, nothing can be seen... yet i still feel it. Silly isn't it?

"Kiss me once, I'd ask for two. But you gave me nothing, so I'd ask more.", I thought, Wow! indeed it was a girlish mistake. Someone asked, "which is more painful : not being with someone you love because he loves somebody else or being with someone but broke up because he loves someone else?" And so I thought...

of course it's the latter! You can never miss something that you haven't had the chance to be with in the first place. It is rather hurtful, the second instance, since you had the oppurtunity to embrace the goodness of that person, felt what noone else can and just be with him so the stab would be deep when he finally decides to say goodbye. Prevention they say is better than a cure, which is true. But noone can cure me now... so let me wither in peace.

marquise_rowena (c) 3/26/2005

Posted by: MarQuiseRowena at 02:44 | link | comments |

-A Girlish Mistake-

Without argument :

"I'll be your lover. I'll be forever. I'll be tomorrow I am anything, when i'm high."

Dreams of forever trapped floating in a bottle of absinthe,
Sheer nothingness eludes me cause I'm caught in your eyes,
No words were spoken, but names were named
I walk down-hearted and claiming the shame.

I said I was, I asked and you did
answer with such intoxication clear in between speech.
I am the carnage of earthly desires
while you were the conqueror, yet I survived.

I tasted the saline on those moist lips
I saw the future on your closed lids
I slept beside the enemy and guessed it was me.
I let you in, and so the down came she.

Still pondering on consumated lust
Or love, was it called that?
I searched deep within and all it were
to scream, "it was HIM! it was Him!"

Immorality laughed bitterly inside my ear
assuring me that was of deadened love
and that reality was unkind to flawed eyes
blind and disfigured, I refused to scream
My tongue caught between damaged sentiments
Death watched nearby in guilty fascination
'you were warned my dear...'

Wickedness soon embraced her naivety.
And all there was at the end was he.
Rejecting the no, and not admitting to the deed.
What am I to ask for that he can provide?
Nothing.
So here I am, blinded by my own lie.
Waking up thinking of it in the morning,
the night before was my sweetest sin.

copyrighted marquise_rowena (c) 3/19/2005

Posted by: MarQuiseRowena at 09:37 | link | comments |

PEOPLE's are .... F*ckers!



Ok.. So the same goes for the both of us.



I have had it with all this crap office politics and yes, i have wished for all of them to die. I even bought this new witchcrafting book that I might try on for size. hehehe But yes, I still want them to die. And die further more... But the profanity, baby, doesn't suit you.



So on your behalf... I am going to cuss all those motherfuckers for fucking with every fuckholes there is in this fucking shit hole of a planet... maybe by then, they'll learn to leave us be.... And of course, me included.



Adieu.



My Buddha continue to bless us all!



*snickers*


(This is reply to one of my friend's journal. I thought I'd share how f*cked up I really am. Strictly, this post, is for ADULTS and highly INTELLECTUAL BEINGS only!)

Posted by: MarQuiseRowena at 17:17 | link | comments |

Na-miss kita kaya ako tumawag. halos kalahating buwan din tayong di nagka-usap. Magkasalungat kasi ang schedule natin. kaninang tanghali lang... Gusto kitang igawa ng tula. Pero kulang ang mga salita sa diksyonaryo para isa-papel ang nararamdaman ko. Andito ako ngayon sa pinaka sulok ng silid at tumatanggap ng tawag mula sa mga Amerikanong di ko mapagmayaw kung alam na Linggo ngayon at walang opisina. NAbabato na ako, nabubura... kaya naisipan kong kamustahin ka.

Mali ata ang naisip kong ideya. Nahalata ko agad ang pagtahimik mo. May gumugulo sa isip mo, na di ko alam kung ano. Para bang binubugbog mo ang sarili mo ng mga tanong na alam mo naman ang sagot pero ayaw mong sagutin. Ganyan ka naman lagi, pero iba ngayon. Wala yung madalas mong mga tanong. Namimiss ko na iyon. Wala na yung "Kumusta ka? Kumain ka na ba? Baby,..." Pero ok lang sabi ko, kausap naman kita eh.

Wala na akong narinig sayo, ni ha, ni ho... Di mo na ako kinakamusta simula noon... noong mahalin kita. Nawala lang ako sandali para magpahinga... pati ikaw... wala na rin.

Di ko na alam kung bakit tumutulo ang luha sa aking mga mata. Marahil na miss kita ng husto. Mahal kita. Gusto kong isigaw yun... pero maririnig mo ba? Alam mo na yun eh. Diko na kailangang ulitin pa. Kaso tanga ka ata, at dimo makita. Ano pa ba ang kulang sa akin at nakit amo yun sa iba?  Heto ka ngayon at sasabihin mo sa akin "Buksan mo ang friendster mo, nakalagay run ang ritrato ng GELPREN ko." Gelpren?! Kelan pa? Anong gelpren!? Di ba sabi mo ayaw mo ng commitment? Ayaw mo ng nasasakal at nakatali, e bakit ngayon? Tinanong na kita noon.. AYAW MO. Kaya ka ba pumayag sa kanya, dahil... dahil.... ikaw ang nagtanong at hindi sya? Kaya ka ba umayaw sa akin dahil "upfront ako"?

Sabi mo noon di mo na ako paiiyakin. Pero heto ako't di maawat. Sabi ko, tumawag ako sayo dahil na miss kita... sagot ka naman "I miss you alot too." Bakit, dahil na miss din kita? Marami na ang nagmamahal sa akin, pwede bang isama na rin kita? Hinde. Ari ka na pala ng iba... pero di parin kita mabitiwan... 09/05/04

Posted by: MarQuiseRowena at 00:12 | link | comments |

 

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